Life of a Preemie Mom: Charlie’s Story

Life consists of many different things whether they are physical, emotional, educational, or just good old-fashioned life experiences. As a new mom, I wasn’t excited or happy to start this new journey. This blog is about my personal journey through pregnancy and the birth of my first child, my son Charlie. This is based on true events that occurred for me and my husband, Craig. I hope that all women struggling with pregnancy, had a difficult labor, or becoming a NICU mom can understand that we all have stories, but we are strong and as women, we can do absolutely anything.

The Story begins….

 August 28, 2022, I remember going to the Acton Maine Fair with a few friends. As we walked around and made our way through the food trucks for food and then to the beer hut for some beers, we were sitting outside and I looked over at my girlfriend and said, “I think I might be pregnant.” Of course, she came back with well stop drinking the beer. I remember telling her, “No, this could be my last and we haven’t confirmed it yet.” Well as the day went on, we went to have dinner at Willy’s up in Acton. Once we arrived and got seated, I started to feel nauseous but played it off as nothing. Well once the food came out, I had to run to the restroom and violently threw up. (YUCK!) Upon leaving, I looked at my husband and stated we needed to stop at Walgreens on the way home to get a pregnancy test. He of course was excited!

            After getting home, I took the two tests that were in the box and waited for a few minutes to get the results. I remember looking at it and sliding to the floor crying. It was honestly like grieving my selfish, kid-free life. Of course, I wanted kids, but pregnancy scared me for one main reason, I thought I would die or something worse would happen. So, after confirming with all my girlfriends because the lines were faint, I walked, well more like stomped upstairs to my husband and told him we were pregnant in a grueling manner. He almost leaped for joy out of his computer chair saying, “Oh my god we are pregnant!” He could tell I was not happy. My fear of pregnancy and/or labor and the thought of gaining all my fat weight back were not ideal for me. I will say I am a bit vain at times and paranoid about life.

Now let’s fast forward to being pregnant. For the first 11 weeks after finding out I was pregnant, I was sick every day and could not eat anything but cantaloupe of all things. After I got over the sickness, all was good. A smooth pregnancy for the most part. I craved mostly still cantaloupe and French fries. It was a weird combination, to say the least. I remember that I could not smell any form of meat whether raw or cooked. Every time my husband would try to cook for himself, I would end up yelling “Stop cooking! Or I will leave so you can!”. It was a battle most days but me and the hubs would work it out to where when he cooked, I would leave the house until he was done. It was a compromise daily on what my senses would allow or not allow. Continually, I had to take the nausea pills they gave me regularly which in turn made me so constipated. I had never experienced constipation like I did being pregnant. The day that I finally got relief from this 5-day constipation being pregnant was a day I will never in my life forget. (LOL is necessary). I remember my husband was walking the dogs and I felt the worst stomach pain I had ever felt so I ran to the restroom. Well, if you have ever seen ‘Not Another Teen Movie’, then remember when the girl was in the restroom and the boys were acting like peeping toms watching her through the vent system. Well, I experienced just that, and it was the most self-embarrassing moment of my life. (I swear it was like dying, LMAO).   During this time, I also finally decided to buy a full-body pregnancy pillow that would wrap around my whole body. This pillow became my peace at night when Charlie would decide to have dance parties in my belly. On a lot of those nights, I would wake Craig from his sleep and place his hand on my belly asking, “Do you feel him moving?”. By which he would reply with, “No I don’t feel anything.” I found it so weird that could feel it all and Craig couldn’t. But I guess that’s why they say mothers and their children share a bond stronger than anyone else in this world.

As Fall approached, we prepared to have the gender reveal party. I truly thought we were having a girl and that was why I was so sick because it was going to be my karma. (HAHA!) We decided to have the gender reveal at the horse ranch I was volunteering at, surrounded by all my favorite folks minus a few. It was exactly what I wanted for my gender reveal: in a horse barn, on a horse ranch, minimally decorated, with good food, and people that are happy for us. I was so thankful for my best friend helping put this all together and keeping the secret for 5 weeks. (Frustrating!! Couldn’t get her to tell me at all!) It was cold on the day of the gender reveal. It was roughly in the 40s and everyone had to dress warmly. We all got prepared to reveal what Baby Miles was and the excitement was exhilarating. Me and Craig walked out in the middle of the driveway in front of the barn and got our poppers ready. Once everyone was in place, we counted down and released the poppers…..ITS A BOY!!!! I was shocked and Craig was thrilled. We both were thrilled. We named him right there that day, Charles Russell Miles. He is named after two of the best men in our lives, both our fathers.

As winter approached in New England, my belly was showing, Charlie was really moving, I was eating more, the baby room was getting set up, and I was finally starting to be excited about this new chapter. It was January 21, 2023, at roughly 3:30 p.m. when I decided that since Craig was working in the office and had been all week, I would go outside and shovel our driveway full of snow. Thought it was a good gesture for my hubs. After shoveling, I proceeded to go into the house and start getting packed to leave the next morning for Alabama. I was excited to see family, friends, and celebrate Charlie at the baby shower that one of my best friends was helping put together. As that next morning January 22^nd approached, me and my hubs got my bags in the car and headed to the airport at 3a that morning. After arriving at the airport and making it to my gate for my first flight, I couldn’t help but think this could be the last time I truly traveled before Charlie made his debut. After about 30 minutes it was time to board my first flight. Then it was time for takeoff. After taking off, the pilot said that we would more than likely hit some turbulence along the journey to Washington, but I didn’t think much of it. After a few minutes of his announcement, I felt turbulence I had never felt before on a plane and had to lie down in the seat (thank goodness for a full row to myself). After we landed, I felt fine and just a bit tired. I had very little time to get to my next flight from Washington to Birmingham. After getting to my gate and on the plane, it was again time for another takeoff. After taking off, this pilot also made the same announcement the first pilot made, so I went ahead and braced myself and laid down since I had a full row to myself again. The turbulence on this flight was just as bad on the last flight and it was felt the entire flight until landing in Birmingham. After landing in Birmingham, I waited for my dad to arrive and pick me up. It was so good to see him.

            We arrived back at my dad’s roughly about 2 or 3 pm that afternoon and it was a normal afternoon. We ate pizza, talked, and just spent time together. We all went to bed around 10-11 p.m. that night. I remember first waking up at roughly 2a having a pain that felt like constipation, so I used the restroom and then laid back down. I woke again at 4 a.m., and the pain felt worse but same location as constipation pain I had felt before. So, I decided to just sit on the toilet for a minute and pee and see if maybe I would get some relief. Well after getting up and down for the next 30 minutes, I decided enough was enough and sat back down on the toilet and proceeded to push (Yes I know you are not supposed to do that but lord I wanted relief), and when I pushed I heard a literal pop and looked and my water had broken. I remember saying aloud, “This cannot be good”. After that blood proceeded and in a quick flow, I was calling out to my dad and anyone in the house, but no one could hear me because the pain was almost unbearable, and the fear was silencing. I then realized that I stopped bleeding for a moment and ran across my dad’s house into his room and said, “Dad wake up, I am bleeding, and I need to go to the ER!” by which he jumped out of bed and I ran back to the bathroom, and the bleeding began again but worse. By the time I sat down, my dad was already fully dressed and ready to go. Who would’ve thought a 64-year-old man could jump out of bed and dressed in 10 minutes? Once we realized that the bleeding was too bad to allow my dad to take me to the ER, we called the ambulance. As we waited for the ambulance, I called my OB in Massachusetts to let her know what was happening and then called Craig. I remember when he answered the phone, he was having a great morning starting the conversation with, “Good morning baby” and I immediately told him something was wrong, I was either having our baby or miscarrying. At this point, we both cried, and he told me he would get to me as fast as he could.

            Once the ambulance arrived, I remember being even more fearful because I was not going to know any of these people, and I was naked from the waist down. Then suddenly, the person to walk through was someone I grew up with and trusted to keep me and my baby safe. I remember a weight lifting off my shoulders. They got me situated and we headed to the hospital. We arrived at 6:18 a.m. that morning at the hospital and they took me in. At 6:22 the doctor came in to check on me and when she did all I heard was “Take her to the OR now”! When I heard those words, I started to fall apart in tears on that stretcher as they wheeled me away. I felt confused and helpless. After getting to the OR, it almost felt like it was not real. However, during the emotionless and completely fearful moments of being in that room and being asked a thousand questions the one that stood out the most was when they asked,

“Mrs. Miles, are you okay? Most moms are not this calm and quiet in the OR.” I responded, “Please do what you must, I am just here.”

I felt so lost and scared. I had no one in the room while they were prepping me for an epidural and an emergency C-section. Then as they were getting Charlie out, my stepmom walked in and said, “I am here with you baby”. Then, I saw a person rush Charlie out of the room, and I asked if he was alive. My stepmom then said to me, “his eyes were open”, and I just blacked out at that point. I did not really come to until they were wheeling me into the NICU to see him for the first time before going to what would be my room for the next 3-5 days. It was like waking up from a bad trip but seeing the most beautiful little being that you created fighting for their life. It was both heart-wrenching and utter happiness.

After finally arriving at my room, that’s when I found out that I had a placenta abruption and they almost lost me and Charlie due to blood loss. The pain that I felt from the c-section was almost unbearable as well. It was about 2 or 3 hours after that Craig came busting into the room. He started crying and so did I. My rock finally made it after the journey of uncertainty proceeded him. He told me how he managed to get to me so fast and I am forever thankful for my friend who answered his call at 6 a.m. that morning, called her work to tell them she would arrive late, grab Craig, take him to the airport, grab our dogs, and take them back to her house that was 45 mins away then drive all the way back to work. He said that his journey here was terrifying, and he cried his whole way through the airport, not knowing if me or our baby was okay. Over the next several hours he helped me to walk… To tell you the pain felt trying to walk after a c-section is hard to explain. I would rather feel contractions again before that pain. For the first 72 hours, we were not allowed to touch or hold Charlie and as new parents, especially a mother, it was the hardest thing to do. I ended up sleeping with the teddy bear they give you at the hospital that has their name and birth information on it. It became my peace waiting to hold or touch him. However, I was surrounded by the people who mattered most and were there to bring me snacks, clothes, comfort, and love. Then at the end of day 2, it was time that we got to touch him.

We took our first family photos as well that day because not only did we finally get to really see him and touch him, but we got to do it early. It felt like a miracle. Then roughly day 4 arrived and we were told I could finally hold him for the first time. My heart fluttered and my body felt whole. Nurse Kelly got him prepared to get taken out of the incubator and against my chest, then after a few minutes of preparation, he was against my chest at only 2 lbs. It felt like something smaller than a baby doll and more delicate than a dried leaf. It was a moment of pure blissfulness. On that 5^th day, my hubs finally got to hold Charlie for the first time; however, at this point, he was below 2lbs. When the nurse handed Charlie to Craig, you could see the fear in his eyes. He was so scared he was going to hurt him. However, on that 5^th day, my hubby also changed his first diaper ever. The diaper was smaller than our hands and from then on changing his diaper became the way my hubs bonded with him. But he didn’t hold him again for almost 20 days…

All this time recovery from the c-section was considerably painful. It was learning your body again and how to navigate your daily life with stiffness, pain, and discomfort. It wasn’t full of rainbows and butterflies or going straight back to my normal body. It was swollen from face down to my feet, pain from my lower back to the front lower abdomen, sleeplessness, unable to shower comfortably, unable to use the restroom comfortably, unable to dress myself without pain, and unable to get comfortable no matter where you sat. They never truly tell you how dangerous or how hard recovery is after a C-section; you learn it on your own.

            After we left the hospital, we headed to my dad’s house about 35 minutes from the hospital to get settled in and plan what the next move was since we were told Charlie would be in the hospital for up to his due date which was April 28^th, and he was born January 23^rd. I knew it was going to be a long journey. Once we arrived back at my dad’s, me and Craig made plans. We decided that the best plan of action was not to transport Charlie back to Boston but to move what we needed to Alabama and stay there for a few months. My husband flew back to Massachusetts, packed what we needed for both our jobs, clothes, and baby stuff, and then drove the 20 hours back to Alabama. He wasn’t alone on his journey, he had wonderful friends who took that journey with him. Once he arrived back, we knew we had to be at the hospital on that 10^th day of him being in the hospital, we met with one of the doctors that we hadn’t met yet. To his dismay, he would have to give us the bad news. He told us that Charlie had 2 brain bleeds, one being stage 3 and the other being stage 4. After he went into detail on what this meant, I began to feel my chest collapse and I had to leave. I excused myself and made it to the elevator before I began to cry. All I could think was this was my fault; this was my doing. Once I reached the truck to wait for Craig, I couldn’t hold myself together. Then Craig got to the truck and we both held onto each other in despair and defeat.

Over the next 6 days, I did not go see Charlie. After hearing about the brain bleeds and what could come with them, I let the postpartum take control. I stayed away from him. Then on that 7^th day, I knew if I didn’t make myself go see him I wouldn’t again. So, I did, and I held him, and I cried holding him. I then felt guilty and in other words a bad mother. But I kept coming back every day, once a day. Me and my hubs would normally trade times we were going so he was able to get more time with us than just once. We watched him fight for his life, move from one NICU room to another, and then finally to the last NICU room where he would graduate, and we would take him home. We spent the next few months enjoying the holidays that came with him in NICU, we both worked full-time from home, and I was spiraling behind closed doors. I felt lost, lonely, and incapable of talking to anyone about how I really felt. So, I turned to other forms of numbness….pills. I couldn’t breastfeed because I wasn’t able to keep him at the breast due to him being delayed in learning to suck and swallow, so turning to something that would make me feel number felt better than what I was feeling. Time felt like a constant hardship that was against me. I would go and see Charlie and he was never in clothes or could be. He was always in an incubator because he had to be. So the pills made me numb to all of it and not think about the reality. It would be months before I finally stopped pills.

            It was now time for the baby shower that my best friend put on for me. Of course, I was no longer pregnant at my baby shower, so the dress I picked out no longer fit, and on top of that I was completely swollen from the waist down. I felt miserable and ugly. I remember thinking to myself, “How was I going to enjoy this”? However, I put on my makeup, did my hair, and put on clothes that fit. We arrived at the baby shower, and I was happy to see how simple it was and filled with a lot of people that I was so happy to see. I felt happy for the first time, but I also felt mad at Charlie for not allowing me to have a real baby shower or be able to take my maternity photos. There were a lot of emotions that day that didn’t make for the best day, but it ended with a bonfire at my sister’s with some of my favorite people. It helped me stop thinking so much about how mad I was with my newborn, the situation, and myself for being mad at my baby. It felt like a cycle of despair but also a cycle of challenge and triumph.

As we moved closer to 2 months old, he took his first bottle. I mean he only took 10ml but that was better than none. Each day we strived to help him improve and take more from the bottle. He tried and thrived. We got up to him taking 60ml after a couple of weeks of trying 2 times a day. Then we moved to every other bottle and me and Craig woke up every hour to be there for those feedings regardless of the time. We grew close relationships with our nurses and some of our nurses who were normally in NICU room 1 were coming to see Charlie on their shifts down in NICU room 3. It was such a blessing. During all of this, he grew. By 2 months old, he was almost 5lbs and I was so happy to see it. We struggled with the up and down weight after we transitioned to the new room, but we got him up there. Around this time, we were told that he could get out of the incubator sooner and go home sooner if he had no episodes and could maintain his temperature out of the incubator. The day we tried this, he had an episode in my arms, and it scared me to death. After an episode, you must go another 5 days without one before reconsidering discharge. So, we had to start over.

After we started over, and the days passed we were again prepping for him to go home. We came in around the 5^th day and he was out of his incubator and in a regular crib. We were told he passed his car seat test as well, which was another thing we had to mark off the list. We finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel. We were told that day that Charlie would finally be going home the next day. So, after our visit, we went back to my dad’s, got the items we needed together, and prepared for Charlie to leave the next day. As we arrived that day to spend the night overnight with Charlie in the hospital, we were both overjoyed and exhausted because we still had to feed him every 4 hours around the clock and let nursing know what he ate and his temp. It was a hard night but the most rewarding. As the morning approached, we got packed up and headed to the NICU rooms to say goodbye to all our favorite nurses and doctors. It was the happiest and scariest day. We couldn’t believe after 73 days in the NICU our little man was finally coming home and right before Easter no less. After saying goodbye to everyone, we were getting ready to get Charlie in the car when my sister from another mister came running through the lobby to see Charlie. It was a great moment we got to share with me having a child like we did when she had her children. It was a great moment!

After we got Charlie loaded up in the car and got back to my dad’s, it was a home full of joy with our miracle baby. We had so many people come by to meet Charlie. So many blessings all wrapped in a few short days before we would take our journey back home to Massachusetts. Finally, the day came, and it was time to head back home. We finished packing up the car, got Charlie in his car seat, said our goodbyes, and headed on our way. We had decided on the way that we would stop in Maryland to visit Craig’s granddad and let him see Charlie. It was a great visit even on the long ride there. Stopping every 2-4 hours was not ideal but had to be done. After 5 days, we finally arrived back home in our little town tucked away on the outskirts of Boston. It was such a relief to be home. We unpacked everything, got Charlie inside and situated, unpacked our bags, and relaxed into parenthood. Needless to say, it was both terrifying and exciting.

After about 3 days of being home, I started making calls to different pediatricians within the area to see who could get us in and was a good fit. Once we chose the pediatrician, we were not excited that she was located directly in the heart of Boston, as it can be difficult navigating that city, especially during the week. However, she had raving reviews, so we took a chance. After we arrived at our first appointment, we immediately loved her. She knew what to do and how to guide us. We had to set up appointments with neurology, optimology, cardiology, urology, state hearing tests, early intervention with the state, and bi-weekly appointments with our new pediatrician. It was tiring to get all these planned and meet with state therapists for Charlie weekly until a plan was in place. Once it was all set, we began a new journey, a different journey from the one we had just left.

            Over the next several months we saw doctor after doctor, and therapist after therapist. I was back at work full time and started my first semester back in college for my bachelor’s degree. I was beginning to wear down from being a mom full time during the day, working full time, and school full time. So, I decided to quit my job and focus on school and Charlie. I missed so much time with him after he was born between NICU and working full time, so I wanted to take this opportunity to spend more time with him, really fall into my mom role, and do good in school. As my last day at work approached, Charlie was still not where I would think he would be. I felt like he was falling further behind. I mean every time we went to the doctor, we were told that he was underweight.. It was discouraging, to say the least. We stayed on the constant schedule of feeding him every 4 hours during the day and he slept from 10 to 6 at night. We tried to push as much as we could into him without causing him to throw up. Some days were better than others.

During this time, I was struggling with my inner demons…pills! I broke 5 years sobriety for selfish reasons. It wasn’t until we had been home for about 2 months that I ended up stopping out of the blue, thinking oh I have done this before, I can do it again. Well after day 1 of no pills, I started to go through withdrawal. It was miserable and I had to do it all while I was trying to be a mom and not let my husband know that I was back on pills and getting back off. Well on that 3rd day, I was sitting in the living room when all the sudden I blacked out. When I came to, I was in the hospital not knowing what happened. Well when I asked the nurse and medic standing in front of me why i was there, they simply said, “Mrs. Miles you had a seizure. Your husband can fill you in once he gets here.” I was beyond shocked and really thought they were lying. Then Craig arrived to tell me what happened. I was in disbelief and realized I had to tell Craig why it really happened. We talked and from that day forward my need/want for pills is no longer present. It scared me to death and I am thankful it did. Post-partum can be such a hard depression to handle and navigate but just know you can get through it.

During all this time, I watched other moms who had babies roughly the same age as Charlie and would watch how advanced their babies were and would just be so upset and discouraged by this. Social media tends to make you jealous and feel like you aren’t doing enough in life. I was seeing babies sitting up at 5-6 months, crawling at 6-7 months, and really making noises at 6-9 months. Then I look at Charlie and he’s 9 months and cannot sit up on his own, cannot crawl, and doesn’t make that much noise. Sometimes he does. However, as I continue this journey through motherhood, I cannot compare my baby to others or my situation. Charlie was born 3 months early which puts him at least 3 months behind. We may not see him caught up until he is 2 years old. Which is okay. If we do what we can for him to help him grow, that is all that matters. We have been told by multiple doctors how amazing he’s doing and looks, but sometimes that isn’t enough. But I continue. Right now, we are in a huge baby food stage. He still loves the breastmilk that we have donated to us, but he loves all baby food so far. It’s been such a joy watching him experience new tastes and experiences.        

            This journey has been equally hard emotionally and physically, but it was a journey I made it through, a journey we made it through. We continue to navigate this journey as time passes. It’s not always happy but it is always rewarding. I have learned to not allow social media to take hold of my emotions because I am doing the best I can as a mother and doing all I can to help my child grow. Being afraid of what’s next is the hardest part of being a NICU mom. Its not knowing what will happen, when it will happen, and what the outcome can be. We have no control over what some would call fate. I am thankful every day for my beautiful boy and cannot wait to watch him grow. We will keep everyone updated as the journey unfolds. We still have a lot of other doctors to see as he gets older.

If you are a NICU mom whether long-term or short-term, you got this. Do not give up! If you were a NICU mom, I would love to hear about your journey. Not all NICU journeys have happy endings as I learned myself, but there are so many more that do. I would love to hear yours. I do not wish this journey for any mother as it can be heartbreaking and put a strain on all relationships, but if you become a part of the NICU journey, remember these 3 things: 1. Keep your head up. 2. Do not google anything. 3. Allow others to be there for you.

Also your NICU nurses and doctors are some of heavens angels. You will have such support within the NICU. Lean on the nurses, they understand.

Thank you all for reading. I hope my journey can bring comfort to some or at least a good read to others.

Love Always,

Hanna, Charlie’s mom.